Insecure on a Windy Cliff
Went on a bit of a hiatus for a while. Was mulling over whether I really wanted to log in every day or so and write in my dreams. I have to work at remembering them, which takes a bit of time while lying their in bed in the dark to fix them in my conscious memory--before dozing back off. But, here I am, back again finally with another doozey of a dream. Had some other dreams, too, since my last post, which I'll add and backdate.
The dream...
Sitting on the carpeted floor in some room with my girlfriend and some other people--several women in their 30's, I think. My girlfriend is kind of prudish about being affectionate in front of other people. In the dream, I'm sitting near her, and I am shaking out some kind of a napkin or scarf and my hand gets close to hers and she kind of slides away from me and sits a bit further away, so that there won''t be any accidental contact. I'm kind of hurt by that, but don't say anything. I decide to not get upset, and instead stand up and go for a walk.
I walk down this long sidewalk past a building on my right. Up high, along the side of the builiding, perhaps on the second floor, there are a series of winter coats hanging on a long rack. At the far end of the rack there are a number of women's dresses or gowns.
Someone is walking behind me, knowing this, I decide to dash quickly through the door of the building which leads me out the back into an open space in which there is a kind of wooden structure. It is like a big open framework about 30 feet high. I start climbing up its sides like a kid in a jungle-gym. Two other Asian guys arrive and start climbing too. They are athletic and decent climbers. I feel like they invaded my space, taking the fun out of my freedom, so I climb down slowly and leave.
Next, I am walking into a plaza where there are people milling about. On the left are some teenage girls doing something. I run into a high school classmate named Greg and I shake his hand and say "hello". He is cool and unfriendly--just like in school--and walks off. I look around and we are in a kitchen area where there are about 10 or 12 people working on dinner. I see another classmate named "Pat" who is approaching me. At the far end of the room one of the "chefs" picks up a 3 foot long sub sandwich--about 8 inches wide--and slides it across a long counter towards us.
I realize as I was the sandwich slide across the counter, that it is going to fall off the edge, so I step quickly over, reaching out my right arm, and in a smooth and graceful move catch it with one arm just as it slides over the edge. I put it back up on the counter, turn and walk away. As I leave the room, as young whom I seem to know, says, "nice catch!"
I walk out of the room through a hallway thinking about returning to my girlfriend, thinking that I miss her and should be getting back to her.
As I walk, I am now on a sandy trail outdoors. The trail seems to be along the edge of a high cliff. To my left there is a stone wall about 5 feet high. It leans a bit toward what I believe is the ocean to the left. The other side of the trail is lined with tall dry grass. I look ahead and see the end of the wall, and beyond, there is a clear space and a promontory. At that point, I assume the trail winds down because I can see the land far below. It looks way down, maybe 800 to 1,000 feet below.
The wind is very strong, and I am afraid to cross the clear space to the promontory. I fear that I will be picked up by the wind and blown over the edge of the cliff to the ocean (and rocks) below.
I lead with my back against the wall, knees slightly bent, to brace myself. The wind is very strong now. I'm gripping the cracks in the wall with my fingernails to keep from getting lifted up by the wind. I think to myself that I'll wait for a lull in the wind and then run across the open space to the promontory. I wait and wait, but there is no lull. I look down at where the base of the wall meets the sand and after a gust of wind, I feel the wall give a bit and see a space open up between the wall and the sand.
I think, "oh my God, the wall is going to topple over and I'll fall over the cliff with it!" I resolve to cross the trail and head into the grass, instead of trying to cross the clear space. As the wind blows even harder, it dawns on me that I need to get as far away from the cliff as I can, an quickly.
As I cross the trail, leaning into the wind at an angle, I find that I am now in a bog of water up to my shoulders. At the water's edge I see a little black rat emerge from it's burrow and walk out toward me. I am still, and I don't think it sees me. I want to splash some water with my hand at it and scare it away, but I can't move my hand. So I begin to move my mouth and make yowling sounds at it--like a cat would make. It sees my mouth moving and looks at me. I make more threatening sounds and then it starts to move away, and strangely, it legs seem to be longer now, maybe about 6 or 8 inches long. I woke up after that.
Strange dream with a lot of symbolism. I went to a friend's impromptu birthday party last night, so there was a situation in which she wasn't affectionate with me, until after we left. I tend to be a bit jealous too, and even though there are many reasons why I shouldn't worry about our relationship--we relate on the most amazing levels that it blows our minds sometimes--I still tend to let me own insecurities obscure my thinking.
The climbing part I think relates to my need to feel adventurous, maybe even to be a bit of a show off. Same thing with catching the sandwich in a dramatic way. Insecurities, I guess.
As far as the windy cliff is concerned, I'm under a lot of pressure right now in my life. In the middle of a divorce, the pressure of which is mainly regarding dealing with back taxes--a huge thing for me! And I'm behind with my billing so my income is stretched right now. And even though I really want to get serious with my girlfriend, it just doesn't seem fair to her to ask for that commitment yet. Heck, I'm not even divorced yet nor have I fully processed my feelings about it, and my finances are in bad shape. You see what I mean...
My dream is telling me that I'm afraid that it could all be blown away by the winds of fate at any moment! I think I need to step out side from my emotions and fears and get a grip on the reality of the situation.
I 've got a great, very supportive and very sexy, loving woman in my life now. She's fantastic for me! I tend to project my fears and insecurities on her. So get a grip dude! Stay objective. See ya...
